a few things you need to know

dear mommy,

who is this cool dude? that's right - it's me

let's get real here for a moment, shall we? i've been chilling here in your womb for over 9 months now and let's be honest, i am ready to move on to bigger and better. ya, you were great during these months and i really appreciate all you do for me, but let's just get this on with, shall we? we had some good times together. remember when you found out about me? daddy knew something was up when you liked bj's spicy buffalo chicken pizza [what a smart fellow he is- can't wait to meet this dude. but tell him he didn't rub your feet quite enough to my liking. once a day is just not sufficient for people with our kind of needs]. that was hilarious when you accidentally tooted...except it got quite embarrassing when it happened over and over again- especially in public places. i wasn't too big of a fan of the throwing up you did but thankfully that didn't happen too much [you're welcome]. i know you got quite annoyed with my constantly kicking and squirming but hey! what's a little guy to do to get attention?

the time is soon coming that i'm going to make my grand entrance into the world and you need to know upfront, i've got myself a rider.
#1- i just spent my last 9 months growing at an alarming rate. i'm gonna need some shuteye, so don't come bugging me when you get bored.

#2- don't dress me up in anything girly. i know you had aspirations of a little princess but you got yourself a rockstar. and rockstars don't wear pink- i am not noah. deal with it. oh, and no painting my nails. i've got a reputation to uphold here.
#3- i'd prefer some boob milk so make that business happen. preferably spiked with coke slurpee- that icee crap just isn't going to cut it.
#4- i realize we're going to be spending the first bit of my existence at grandma shell's house which is fine bc that broad is bound to be an expert diaper changer. just make sure those nasty dogs keep out of my room. slobber doesn't do well with the ladies, am i right?
#5- speaking of the finer sex, i realize you've got high aspirations for my choice of the ladies. abbigale mae is one beautiful girl but let me choose my own girlfriend....starting at the age of 10. before that, i guess that's fair game.
#6- last but not least, i expect a whole lot of cuddles, snuggles, and kisses. i realize it's in my genes to repel them [much like daddy has come to fear the 'kissy monster'] but i am half you too. give me lots of attention and lots of love. i've waited a long time to meet the lady who has kept me so happy this last year and i'm not trading you in for the world.

so there's my demands - let's make this happen.

ps- i'd appreciate if you kept the screaming to a minimum while you 'poop me out' as peanut so lovingly called it. how'd you like your first entrance into the bright, cold world to be full of shrieks?

thanks a'bunch.